I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
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Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The Olympian is in my bed
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