We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
