ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
