She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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