I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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