so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
