I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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