currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
