I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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