when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
