just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
