Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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