Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
