I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
