haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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