The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
