ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
