I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
