I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
