hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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