girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
