I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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