First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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