woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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