i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
