Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
