I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
