based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
