I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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