So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
