I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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