Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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