If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
