If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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