one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
sex in a hospital.. check
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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