let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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