I heard we made out
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So squirting runs in the family.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
