Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
