My sheets look like a crime scene.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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