my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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