her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
