dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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