I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
