Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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