This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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