i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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