After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
