nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
