The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
