I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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