Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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