Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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