i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
