very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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