I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
