Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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