SEEEEXXX PLEASE
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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