I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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