Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
