i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard