Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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