do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
