Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
